I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
