On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
