You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
