When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
