he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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