her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
