Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I wish I only lived at night.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
