I hate your face
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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