I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
