It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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