it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
