Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
