I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
