That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
