I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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