I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you win again, gameday.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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