I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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