Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
