I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
