I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize