you told grandpa to call you daddy
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
