My brain says no but my pants say off.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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