It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
