I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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