sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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