Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
