dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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