it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
