my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
