so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
