I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
