my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I did not marry a roomba.
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