i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
This baby is an asshole
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
