I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
