Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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