Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
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