you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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