i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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