i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
