On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
