Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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