Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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