Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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