You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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