i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
