Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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