This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
