I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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