I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Enjoy the penises
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
