a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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