I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He's on the porch naked. Help.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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