I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
