i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
If I die, sorry about rent.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
