i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
