New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
