got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
