my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
