just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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