My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
