i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
